Yuk Bon

so eden calls me up. “your favorite person is back in miami.” “would you be friends again…it was a long time ago, he’s a different person, blahblhablhablhablah”

i don’t care anymore. i mean, it would be cool if i could trust people again. it would be nice to be able to make friends without pulling fucking teeth. but nothing’s going to undo that, so why bother? to pretend he wasn’t a bad person? to act like I’m and he’s OK and everything’s cool? I might as well call the bee up and say lets play pool or whatever. which again, pa’ que? i dunno. Eden’s acting like he throws me into a rage, but it’s really kind of worse because i feel nothing. He didn’t care then, so why fake it now? I dont’ get it. Indifference, which man…fuck I tried with that guy man. Afterwards, I mean. I tried the hardest and he just fucking threw it in my fucking face. So karma can take of that, I guess.

also, sun’s mad at me now and i don’t know why. but i guess i’m enough of an asshole that asking for a specific reason is kind of silly. putting me off for weeks with ‘don’t want to talk’ which i know what it’s like but then hangs with tai or mei? girl things, i don’t know. and I don’t even know if it’s me or not. asking just makes it worse without explaining anything.

oh and laurachicken gets brain surgery soonish.

and i find out the sex this weekkkkkkkkkkkkk

finally three days later my leg stopped hurting although last night more stabbing pains. i think about vic, you know. i mean, he was fine that week. put in a full day and we said later and i left him working on some windows shit with W and poof he’s gone. i gotta set things up for in case i shuffle off this mortal coil. I think of Dee and her bloodclot in her leg.

d 5
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e ….4 5 000

D A 0055xx

Reading pratchett, he does go on about humanism and what humanity means. One of my favorite things he’s ever said (or written) is about how all sin boils down to treating people as things. Rape, murder, theft — they all boil down to “you’re not a person, you’re just another thing I can use to get what I want”.

Another year coming around. I find myself re-evaluating all the shit, good and bad, come my way. I’m doing OK, I guess. There are some causes for sadness, but overall, I can’t complain too hard, really. I enjoy my new job, and despite the death of Vic (or maybe because of?) I am learning more and doing different things, which is something I wanted when I left the old joint. Had Indian for lunch earlier with the dudes from Ye Olde Jobbe and they are in misery full-force. Which sucks. That whole environment is like a kid trying too hard; they want to be a business/enterprise instead of educational/medical — or maybe they think they should be? — and they’re just stressing the wrong things. Be a hardass about what you expect, don’t be a hardass about vanity or chain of command or other bullshit pipe dreams about how to show that the proverbial dick is bigger than the other dudes’. On the bright side, in about 5 to 10 years time, it’s going to be SUCH a premier environment (reputation-wise, for their care and tech etc…workwise, meh…too soon to say and things are too fast-moving to be able to pin down.) Relationship stuff’s worked out, really. Interpersonal drama-llama visits have been avoided. Old friends come back, Eden’s back and I will hopefully soonish find myself making some music with Bunny. I find myself thinking of Cass, wondering if she’s doing OK. My phone calls and emails to her are infrequent and I think awkward for her. I’m hoping this is why she doesn’t reply to emails. I switched back to winamp for playing music (itunes for the ipod still, but winamp is still awesomer) and the queen cover comes up at the oddest fucking moments. Still, she was awesome and that was aside from having the most amazing tits ever. Skeeter’s still pissed at me, but since she won’t answer or pick up, I just leave “wishing you the best” messages every 6 months or so. Mils is here today and gone tomorrow, back with the ex she always will have a spot for, which is kinda good, really. Sun’s comin’ from the tx, and i will be going to tx come august and maybe san fran or canada in the winter? I dunno. The old man’s gonna have multiple surgeries done at once but is putting it off until my sister gives birth, I guess in case he dies. I try not to think about it. Maybe let the vacousness of television numb it down; dr who greys anatomy dexter futurama cooking shows. Some days it’s just so much and some days you just relish in jumping into the fray, you know?

Enjoy this discussion on the nature of reality by Phillip K. Dick: How to Build a Universe That Doesn’t Fall Apart Two Days Later.

You know, there’s a reason why I traded Johann Hz my trusty old Peavy amp for 60 or 70 PKD books.

The buddhist idea that desire is suffering always made sense to me, but I don’t know if I believe that the way to nirvana is by getting rid of desire. Might be my inner catholic, but reining desire in and putting it towards constructive use makes more sense than subjugating it or denying it or what-have-you.

I mean, hummingbirds don’t know that they burn through calories and need high amounts of sugar to keep their inner reactors going. They just know that the sweet stuff in plants is mmmmm mmmmm good. Draw your own parallels with sex, drugs, rock and roll, whatever gets you off. That they get pollen on ‘em and fulfill their raison d’etre is well beyond what they know. This bullshit self-awareness and torture makes us special, different.

Then again, the idea is not to kill desire, but to move beyond it, accept things the way they are. Nam myoho renge kyo.

So are you a slave to your desires? Does your happiness control you? Are you a slave to yourself?

man…errands & responsibilities… and i was supposed to go to a poker game, but let down lisbert & willy. again.

Ran across Church #9′s post on Capt Beefheart…now there’s a dude who had shit to say and did it, and when he finished, he finished. I don’t know, I don’t think I could just give up music, but then again, it’s a not a job for me. And I’m not that good a painter. I wonder what beefheart’s paintings look like. If it’s anything like his music, it’s eschaton with whipped cream and chocolate entrails on it.

so, bass. yeah. haven’t played in a rock band in so long, it feels really nice. they are indeed a good group. we are a good group. very individual each of us, likeable and worth knowing. the songs have some very specific parts but are in general kind of open — just basic “these are the chords, this is the melody…321GO”. Show on friday which I was going to have to miss due to Orlando, but now maybe I can play on Friday…things are still up in the air vis-a-vis that. i find myself thinking of my conversation with johann hz about the bass and the deepness of it. i love that one really low note with it’s overtones, just fills out a room, harmonically. My A-string was weak on the open note, I don’t know if that was the pickups on the P-bass fucking up (they are 20 years old…) or the amp’s EQ cutting that A440 out.

Found out who the CD is dedicated to; friend of Davis’ who went into a coma and died. Reminded me of Injun Joe; Eden told me after Joe got into his coma from getting hit by the semi on his motorcycle that his girlfriend at the time tried to talk to him and stuff — he was in a coma for like 2 years — and he would cry when she put headphones on him and played him his fave song by Dead Can Dance. Such a good kid. Death at random is just…I don’t know, kind of insulting. I mean, it really drives home the point that you’re just another animal alive at the whim of chance and on the sufferance of circumstance.

‘Struth. Still haven’t had leaky eyes. I don’t know if that means I’m broken or that I’m not.

You know, postsecret is a truly genius idea. It fulfills a certain voyeuristic thrill at seeing others’ secrets, it encourages art and beauty in the world, it works as a release valve for those holding secrets in and those viewing them as well, and finally, it holds a mirror up to those viewing them. That’s a lot of spinning plates.

I saw the exhibit and it was moving, and then it was Sunday and I saw the updated page and the postcard here, and for the first time ever since then, I felt like that again. It is heartbreakingly sad and beautiful and it took my words away.

I love that bridge postcard. I wish I’d sent it in.

God’s in the strangest places. To wit: two days ago everyone had dipped but me & vij, so we hit lunch together at the chinese joint with Ang and Necu — they dipped early cos they had a meeting to go to — and wound up sitting briefly with a prominent geneticist (no links because this is a a personal blog blahblahblah but he’s SMRT for realz and a big-wig nationally in his field) and wound up having a discussion about religion and it’s role in science. For someone who’d put science in such focus in his life, he was remarkably open-minded about religion (paraphrasing, but along the lines of “to be as adamant about the non-existance of god as a lot of atheists are seems kind of closed-minded, especially if you’re a scientist and supposed to be figuring things out, not just assuming they are the way you want”). Dude was totally cool and more relaxed than I’d seen him otherwise, although to be fair, other times I’d seen him had been during emergencies, so uh yeah, I get frazzled too.

He also went into a tangent about astrology — as an example, i think, i forget how we got into it as a subject — and how maybe it isn’t planets or what-have-you, but rather the general temperature patterns during gestation that affect personalities, IE, gemini’s are bastards, cancers are sensitive etc etc because during gestation they had colder or hotter womb temp averages, and he had seen in his own work how minute temperature changes in utero or in vitro could affect outcomes drastically and dramatically. Interesting thought.

post title courtesy El Producto’s new album, “I’ll sleep when you’re dead”, which is still growing on me. Good, but so far I like “Fantastic Damage” more (although the Trent Reznor guest spot was weird on the new one).